justrun-.

nightmares and dreamscapes

i hate nightmares, you know that? i hate waking up the next morning feeling upset and puzzled over something that didn't even happen. but the scary thing about nightmares is not "living" those moments in your sleep, but realising WHY you had such subconscious thoughts and WHY they chose to be revealed to you in that manner.

my latest nightmare made me realise that i haven't had a single pleasant dream for many many many months. i don't even rmbr what my last "happy" dream was about.

daddy once told me that we have dreams every night, just that sometimes we don't rmbr them. so those times we think we've had dreams are actually just instances where we rmbr what we dreamt about. in that case, why am i only rmbring stupid nightmares.

:(

got some nasty blisters from the run this morning.. they're like..blisters that are directly on top of the blisters i got on monday. so raw and painful. ugh i hate my wet, heavy, chunky shoes.

An excerpt from Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.

"You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, I said. Aren't you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well, how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah. You're thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

I'm lost.

"Take any emotion- love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afriad of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"

i keep on telling myself that it's time.
time to let go.
time to start anew.
time to stand up.
but the truth is that i don't want it to be time. by letting go, by starting afresh, by agreeing to stand up, i'm acknowledging that the past is never coming back again.

perhaps i need something new to look forward to, to work towards. something that will give me drive, the kind of drive that had me waking up at 4am on weekdays to train on my own before school. why do i find myself feeling burnt out so easily nowadays? it's just not what i used to be.

oh crap i'm a walking mess.

[pat]* decided to runaway-.

put on her shoes at [13:11]

and took [20071107] strides

it's the passion that drives you